Saturday, November 17

AP Moment of the day ~ Taking care of you.... find a good hiding place.

It's a gorgeous day outside.... it's 66 degrees out and sooo still. I can hear a woodpecker quietly hunting for bugs in the Ash tree, a squirrel is chattering in the trees above my head and an occasional dove will coo. ahhhhh... I feel my blood pressure collapsing, my breath grows deeper and my heart rate slows..... .... bliss. Tranquil bliss. I tip my head back and look up into a blue, blue sky. A wisp of cloud is moving oh so slowly by but nothing else stirs.

But then <<<>>> Reality hits like a brick to the head..... "mmmMMMMMOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!...... Get OFFFF.... Put that DOWN.... AAAAHHHHHHH..... it's MINE.... STOP IT.... GIVE ME THAT BACK!!!.... I HAD IT FIRST!!!!!......MMMMOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


The woodpecker and dove leave in a clap and flurry of beating wings. The squirrel scarpers up the nearest tree and is GONE. My blood pressure and heart rate careen upward... I tip back my head and yell "SSSSSHHHHAAADDDDAAAPPPPPPP" I ask what is WRONG, but find that I don't even really care what's wrong. Sort it out or go inside, but whatever you do BE QUIET!! We live amongst several neighbors, it's not like we live in the middle of nowhere, AND, quite frankly, I don't like the noise! Never mind the neighbors, I like the quiet!!! For a moment there is a truce and the kids return to leaping in an enormous pile of leaves that hubby had thoughtfully gathered, sifted for dog poop, and hauled out to the fenced yard.

Suddenly, from behind and above me, I hear "KAW! KAW!!" I look up and there, like a big blue Eagle in Camouflage pants, stands Hubby! ON THE CARPORT ROOF!!!!!!!! "What are you doing up there?!? " I hiss whilst immediately grasping the benefits. I head for the ladder and begin to scramble up too....

Hubby looks down and says "Would you like to..."

" spend the rest of the day laying on the roof in the sun and hiding from the kids? Why yes, I would" say I. ....

" I was going to say fetch me the hammer..." grumbles hubby!!!

I do get the hammer and spend a few peaceful minutes up on the roof planning how I will escape up here as often as possible. I can see it now... I'll have a blanket for naps, a drink or two you know, for thirst..., a book or two to keep me entertained if necessary. I've considered bringing up the phone, so I can yap.. or call the kids if I can hear them making too much noise from inside! I've also already planned that I will haul UP the ladder with me, so that a) they can't trap me up there by taking the ladder down AND, and this is the biggie, they can't get up !!! Oh man.... I can't wait!!! So, if you are ever looking for me, i'll be on the roof. Don't forget the secret knock and maybe I'll let down the ladder and let you into my clubhouse!!!!

Friday, November 16

AP Moment of the day~Sleep with your child

At night, when I put the children to sleep, I mean, when I put them to BED ( Put them to sleep sounds a lot more harsh than I mean it to be!) I have them get under their covers and snuggle down. I read them a story, sing them two lullabies and then.. **BOOM** they go to sleep! :D Sometimes. If Captain Destructo has had the slightest inkling of a nap he is muuuuuuch harder to get to sleep. If he so much as had a long blink, that's it. Up all night! I exaggerate of course, if he were up all night I would be living in a hotel / loony bin. Actually it just takes him "some time" to get to sleep. I say "some time" as I have no idea of how long it really takes because, without fail, I FALL ASLEEP FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GGGGGRRRRRR. You wouldn't BELIEVE how annoying it is to lay down with your snuggle bug "just for a minute, until you go to sleep..." and wake up two hours later with leg cramps and chilled to the marrow because the fan you had on for white noise has been blowing directly on to your leg which now resembles chicken flesh in the worst way. I do try to lay half on and half off the bed so that I am as uncomfortable as possible to try and prevent my falling asleep.... it doesn't seem to work. Apparently I can sleep just about anywhere in any position. Except in my own bed, on my own pillow and under my own covers apparently. ... anyway.....I lever myself out from his bottom bunk being careful to not crack my head on the top bunk or the ladder, and also being careful not to wake the boy who sleeps as if on pins, ready to awaken at the slightest sound or movement. "Mama... come nap a me...??" he will say.... and again I will be drawn back to his sleepy side and his warm little body will send me into a somnolent state in an instant. Meanwhile the little turkey isn't tired at all and will spend his time trying to keep me awake. He'll pull on my hair, poke my eyes, stick his fingers in my mouth and hold my nose. He'll put his little face right up to mine and say "MAMA.... Mama?.... MAMA!!!!" until I blearily reopen my eyes and ask "WHAT?!?!!?"

Hubby is under strict instruction to make sure if (!!!IF!!!) I fall asleep, to come and wake me at a reasonable time so that a) I can watch CSI (!) and b) I don't "waste" my alooooone time sleeping! Nothing makes me more crazy (ok, that's a sweeping statement, there are LOTS of things that make me crazy, believe me, however...) than to have the whole evening as my oyster only to find I slept through it and it's now bed time!!! Thus the husband alarm. You can imagine my pleasure one night, which happened to be the season finale of CSI, when I had asked to be awakened should I succumb to the warmth that is my son and his bed, only to awaken with a start at 10:20 pm to find I had missed the entire show, it was 10:20 pm AND that noise I could hear emanating from the living room downstairs was my HUSBAND snoring!!! GAH!!!!!!!!! It's no good when the human alarm clock falls asleep too!!!! These days I take my cell phone up with me and have it programmed to wake me instead. The first night was something of a surprise.... I had it on vibrate. I nearly scared us all to death when I leaped up as if having been bitten on the behind!!! It turns out a gentle sounding beep is enough to do it!!..sleep on, little ones....


AP Moment of the day~ Taking care of you....or sex from the freezer

mmmmmmmm.......!!! It is only right that I share this with you! My hubby brought home this deliciousness last night and I had TWO BOWLS of it!!! If it were another man I'd have packed my bags and waved sayonara with nary a backward glance!! ;D Luckily for hubby (!!??!) it is only ice cream and it's glory can safely be contained in the chilly depths of the freezer and, if necessary, behind locked doors. The fridge lock is usually to keep the kids out ..this week it will serve a dual purpose!!! What is this delight you ask?! Well, I'll tell you, but only because I like you...It's Starbucks Coffee Almond Fudge Ice Cream!! Isn't he dreeeeeamy?!?! ** swooon ** Chocolaty Covered Almonds and Fudgy Swirls in Creamy Coffee Ice Cream.....!! Come To MAMA!!!!! ;D

And now, you must excuse me.... this is where it's rated!! ;D......

Thursday, November 15

AP Moment of the day~ Boys. Loving the devil and an angel at the same time.

Oh boy. My son .......... !! Some years back my husband said he only wanted to have our daughter. He was happy with just one child and didn't think we "needed" another. I, on the other hand, was in that hormonal stage of "I HAVE to have another baby NOW"....... know.. when you are screaming at your husband that you are ovulating and you must have sex IMMEDIATELY !! "JUST DO IT WILL YOU and HURRY UP!!!"? Mother Nature's vile trick. You want to get pregnant and are ovulating so instead of being seductive and alluring you screech at your husband that you just don't CARE if he's tired from putting on a new roof and you could care less that he just walked sixteen miles up hill when the car broke down, in the snow, and the dark.... Now now NOW damn it!!! ......
You don't know what I mean?!
Must just be me then.

Oh look at that... I'm digressing!!! :D

OK, so, after a lovely evening of romance, candle light, soft music and flowers and hardly any screaming ( !!! ) we conceived our boy.
Babies are all about the same in that they demand your attention on a pretty much full time basis to start with, but they begin to grow out of it and become easier to handle as time passes. ( or so the myth goes...!) Captain Destructo was the same way. He needed lots of our attention when he was younger, but he was adorable so we forgave him that and were happy to provide it for him! He is now 5. LOL!! That phrase alone says so much. HE meaning we have a male of the species and IS NOW meaning he's lucky he made it this far and 5 well... he's five years old... that's why they call the worst Tornadoes F5. They mean it's like a ton of 5 year old boys descend on your small town and go nuts!! My little guy is amazing in his capacity for destruction. Most recently he has written on the walls with permanent black marker (you know, those pens that stink to high heaven as they have soooo many vile chemicals in them.... yeah... one of THOSE black markers...) the walls weren't the worst of it either.... the carpet.... books..... and my favorite, brand new to me, Pine Dresser. All Over It.

Yet still he lives. Thank God for Mr Clean Magic Erasers that's all I can tell ya. When he's tired, he throws things, anything. He beaned his Dad in the head only last night with a remote control unit. ( Ironically I've wanted to do the same thing to his Dad for YEARS !!) His idea of playing cars is to smash them into each other as hard as possible whilst giggling manically. If his sister is reading a book and he wants her attention for some reason, he will snatch the book out of her hands and THROW IT IN THE GARBAGE!!! He plays hard and is STRONG as an OX. If he decides he doesn't want to get in the cart at the store, well, he won't. It's a battle, every day! BUT, and this is the part that gets me the most, he is a sweetheart. He will bring you cookies, ( and of course will make sure he has one too! ) he will bring you a book and say "Weed it a me??", he falls asleep in your arms sucking on the back of his hand. He gives soft kisses, he says "I lub you" and "You wok Mama!" ( when pressed!) and he has a smile that could melt stone. His chubby little arm wraps over my neck when I lay down with him at night and I remember that this is why we keep him. .... and also why we still have Daddy!!

Boys. Can't live with 'em, can't pay anyone else to take 'em!!!

Wednesday, November 14

AP Moment of the day...Homeschooling.

Or, you might be a homeschooler when....
i) your child informs the pediatrician that she has Anosmia... and he's impressed... and a little dumbstruck!!
ii) your son leans over the toilet bowl to inspect his "Pook" and proudly proclaims "LOOK!! an "L" "..... (Learning to read the toilet bowl way...)
iii) your 8 year old daughter spends more time cooking in the kitchen than you do....( now if I could get her to clean house, I'd be set...!!)
iv) a local resident INSISTS that you run a daycare from your home up the street DESPITE your protestations to the contrary ( I'm not kidding either!!!)
v) you are SHOCKED if you accidentally end up at the zoo / swimming pool / museum / mall on a weekend at how MANY PEOPLE there are out!!
vi) you drag yourself out of bed in the morning at 8:00 and realise that the school bus has already left and you smile because you just. don't. care!
vii)you constantly worry if your child is really learning anything.
viii) you compare every child you see on TV, in the grocery store, on the street and mentally check to see if your own is on par or ahead ( and you secretly hope for ahead...!) (but you don't admit that to anyone...especially other homeschoolers.... )
ix) you use the dead rabbit in the street as a lesson on decomposition each morning when you go for a walk! ("deeeead Bunny" ** to be said in a gentle, sing~songy type voice! **)
x) you worry that your child might watch a little too much TV but then are amazed when they tell you facts you were completely unaware of that they picked up from Arthur or Curious George of all things. Again, completely serious. ( see my dead pan face...?!?!)
xi) your child squats down and picks through unidentifiable road kill to determine which animal it was and brings home some tiny bones to peer at through the microscope. Yup.... again... totally serious. (xi) a) you worry that maybe you all spend far too much time around road kill...!!.)
xii) Social Studies is when you try and teach your son how rude it is to stick his tongue out at the nice man bagging the groceries... no matter what sort of a mood he may be in.
xiii) finally you aren't a real homeschooler until you have seriously thought you might be insane and found yourself considering just HOW quiet it would be during the day.. how many books you could read, movies you could watch, shops you could peruse, coffees you could drink with your friends and have found yourself leaning out of the van window at 60 mph screaming at the school bus to pull over because you have a couple extra kids that need to get on!!!!

***disclaimer.. Not all AP parents are homeschoolers... and not all homeschoolers are AP... but a lot of them are... this post is for them! ;D ***

Tuesday, November 13

AP moment of the day~Co-sleeping.... this can't be what they mean?!!

When my first born was an infant she slept in a little bassinet right beside the bed. Sometimes, in an effort to combine nighttime nursing with sometime sleep, she would sleep in bed with us. No problem! She was a tiny, sweet little thing and we all slept rather well. As she got a little older she moved into a crib in our bedroom and then, when we could bear it, we moved her into the adorable nursery we had made for her... of course, she was 17 by then and wanted the pattern on the border changed.... ( !!! Just kidding !!! ) ... anyway, she moved into her own room and was always very happy to go to sleep alone and slept soundly, all night long! When our second child was born he, too, slept in the tiny bassinet (except this time it was lined with BOY fabric!!) alongside the bed. Sometimes he would sleep in the bed with us, and again, it was no issue, he was a tiny, sweet little snoring thing.

Fast Forward to today... or rather, to last night. In the interest of full and complete disclosure I should point out that my husband and I share a King Sized bed. It ain't small. However, he ain't small either and we both tend to sleep spread out with arms akimbo so we use the space!!! My son, now no longer a tiny little infant boy, seems to have developed an aversion to sleeping through the night. ** shrugs ** don't know why.... WISH I DID...... sigh... anyway ......he woke up last night and I went in ( LOL!! I like the way I wrote "I went in" as if I just hopped up and tiptoed softly and kindly to his room to enquire as to his well being..... rather as it was, I tugged my eyelids open and heaved my exhausted self over the side of the bed. I stumbled, groggily, to my bedroom door and swayed in front of it momentarily, waving my arms before me ... this from one too many times of walking smack into the edge of the door and knocking myself half unconscious....I then weaved my way down the pitch dark hallway, swinging my arms around my circumference to prevent me walking into the walls.... honestly, my husband must think I'm some sort of pinball the way I careen down the hallways, bouncing from door frame to wall and back again. anyway, as usual, I have digressed.... ) ... I went in and asked, very gently and kindly if all was well in his world...! I did!! It went like this ....."WHAT???!?!" He mutters.. "A mammy's bed...??" I, in my AP parenting manner considered for a moment ( I most certainly did not just snap "NO" ... it was a much softer, gentler no... like this..."erm NO!" !!! ) I demurred and declined his invitation to join us in our marital bed instead I patted his soft sheets and made yummy sounds as to their warmth and comfort level. "A MAMMA BED!!!!" he insisted in a slightly elevated voice which served to warn me that he could, and most likely WOULD get louder if pressed! His sister was sleeping in the bunk above, so I hastened to get him out of her earshot lest I have TWO children wandering the hallways in the middle of the night.

I always find that once I have raised myself into the vertical position during the night I inevitably have to pee.... as I tend to go straight to the children rather then the bathroom I frequently find myself trying to comfort said child whilst squeezing my legs together and jiggling up and down ... the call of nature almost always wins out and I burst from the bedroom, avoiding the door jamb if possible and thunder to bathroom post haste ... generally which ever child has called me refuses to be left in the bedroom awake and alone so will stumble along behind me... so here it is, the middle of the night, I'm in the bathroom... my son is in the bathroom... I go to the door to leave and ""AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" a shadowy ghostlike figure is hovering behind the door!!! I stifle my screams as best I can but not before I hear "UGH!??! EH?!!! What the..?!!?" from our bedroom next door. "What are you doing up?!?! " I hiss at said shadowy figure who appears to be my daughter. " I thought I heard you say you were going downstairs" she meekly responds, clutching her stiff black Owl mounted on a small piece of 2x4 ( I can feel myself wanting to digress again, but I promise instead I WILL return to the Owl in a later post... it's hilarious!) "Well I'm NOT...I'm taking your brother back to his BED"... and I begin to march, arms our thusly, back to the kids room in an I'm~not~kidding~you'd~better~start~moving manner. I began to suspect they weren't following and, groping my way back down the hallway and failing to connect with any small bodies or heads, my suspicions were confirmed. The buggers had usurped my bed!!!! I dashed in to find them already snuggled down under the still warm covers and making efforts to appear as if already fast asleep. I shoved them over as best I could and wrapped myself in the meagre remains of the blankets whilst hanging on to the side of the bed lest I should tumble out should anyone roll over at the behest of the "Little One" who was now occupying prime position AND had hogged my favorite "Memory Foam" pillow. ( it's just a travel sized one as MAN, those things are PRICEY, but I DO love it so and now that little turkey is laying all over it.....) It's quite clear that as the night wears on I am going to be kicked black and blue by The Boy. He loves to kick me in the place you would last choose to be kicked. Should there be some occasion where you are held captive and the villain says "Bwahahahahahahaaaa where would you choose to be kicked?!!!" ... you would choose many other places before you chose this place. Ahem. So .... here we are... hubby is miraculously sleeping the sleep of the dead, the kids are sprawled over my half of the bed and I am hanging grimly on. I know this will not work. I am NOT a happy camper when sleep deprived. Sighing, as I do, I once more hauled my bones out of bed and, once again, arms thrust out in front of me, I bounced my way back down the hall and into the kids room. I have wisely placed a hooked rug beside their bed so that on approach, in the dark, my toes feel it and I prevent myself from hammering my shins into the bedside.. I have yet to come up with some glow in the dark stuff to stick on the bottom of the top bunk to save my head (OUCH!) or the ladder either (BUGGER!!) I crawl, battered and bruised, into the boy's bed, drag his (not goose down ) quilt over my chilly arms, lay my head down onto his ( not memory foam ) pillow and fall, mercifully, to sleep.

Co~Sleeping?!?! It's not for the faint of heart I'll tell ya!!

Monday, November 12

AP Parenting Moment of the day ~ taking care of you!

I drive myself crazy with my house and the kids... We homeschool so we are all in and around the house a lot. The place is a disaster zone this week and all my routines are shot!! The kitchen.. Oy... I can't even begin to describe it... if the house is untidy I am untidy! I can't focus in a messy house, so I need to clean it up before I can do anything else... of course I am busy cleaning one area and the children are industriously creating mayhem in the next!! I MUST come up with a system for housekeeping / homeschooling / parenting / wife~ing... it's well nigh impossible to be all things to all people... and what about ME?! :D So.. right now, this is ME time. The house will wait and the kids and dog have been instructed to run around outdoors until they have rosy cheeks!!! They look rather pasty to me and I don' t like to see that in kids!!! They need a healthy glow!! :D ... and.... the carpets need a good Vacuuming.... back to work....!!

Sunday, November 11

Helpful sisters...or something.....!

Beans is a sweet and helpful little girl but she is cursed with her parents wicked sense of humor!! Recently she was very kindly helping me by taking her little brother to the bathroom where he proceeded to "Pook". The little man puts a great deal of effort into his "Pooks" so much so that his eyes tend towards the bulgy side and his face takes on a rather puce hue. This alarmed his sister so that she warned him "If you keep pushing like that, your head will pop off!!"......


You can not imagine what happens to the psyche of a small boy who is told his head may well just blow off his shoulders at a moment's notice. He had never had the slightest trouble at toilet until that afternoon..... the next day.... no Pooks. The following day... no Pooks.... I smelled trouble ( amongst other things ) and had to scour my brains ( and my parenting tool box ) for the answer. Naturally I tried being reasonable... "...honestly honey, your head really won't blow off, silly Beans was just kidding.....!!!" No go. I tried dire warnings...." You know, Bud, if you don't pook then your tummy will get really sore and you will have to go to the doctor....." Nada. Suddenly I was smacked with a dose of AP inspiration!! ..."How about if I hold your head on and make SURE it won't blow off.... would THAT work?!?!! " Ta~DAH!! Success!!! :D So now, when he has to pook, he's very certain to ensure I have a good grip on his bonce so it isn't going to explode!!! ( He won't still do this when he's 27 will he???!!)