AP moment of the day~ Fickle Me Mommy

Oh what a hormonal web we weave, when first we practice to conceive.....!!

From wanting to rip out my insides a day or two ago, to last night watching Knocked Up and crying and bawling through it again! I can not watch that movie without crying. It reminds me of being pregnant and losing my baby at 21 weeks and not being able to have a successful pregnancy since then. Today, 18 months later, I'm quite happy not to have any more ( hence the "ripping out" comment....!!) yet last night I was sooo emotional and if it would have done any good at all I'd have wished myself pregnant right there. Pregnancy is such a wonderful, thrilling and positive time, especially for me anyway. I don't get morning sickness, I love being pregnant and my hubby is so supportive...... anyway, we know wishing it doesn't make it so. So here I was, done with having any more children, happy with my "choice" one minute ( do you like the way I said Choice? It's not really a choice. I like to say it's a choice, but really my body has failed me and I don't even think I am ovulating any more! Too much info? Perhaps...) anyway the next minute I am weeping and wishing for more babies.... so what do I do??? Today when out shopping with my little guy, I buy three baby rats. Yup. You heard me. I'm nutso. Jessie was THRILLED!!!! Rex, less so.... :{ We'll see how it works out. Talk about impulsive craziness!!

I said to Rex I'm glad there isn't such a thing as a baby store... I'd be in there buying babies one minute and trying to return them the week after!!! :D

AP Moment of the day ~ When it all starts to go downhill, LEAVE...

...the house!! :D

Today started out ok.... the kids had ended up sleeping in our bed last night. Jack in my arms and Jessie across the bottom of the bed at our feet ( on top of the covers, in case there is any confusion.....) it wasn't an ideal situation, I really don't like to have the kids in bed with me..... they are so big and Jack is a terrible kid to sleep next to as he moves around so much!! He kicks and punches all night long!!!

Anyway, the morning started out fine, but what tends to happen here is the kids get sort of sick of each other after a while and the play grows from being peaceful and gentle play to more boisterous and chaotic play and can degenerate into an all out brawl. At this point I am usually trying to get some chore or other finished off before I feel I have the time to focus solely on them. ( Which is what they need in the first place!!! Ah!!)

As the course of events began to unfold in their usual manner this morning I noticed myself getting frustrated with them and growing more and more tense. Once we had had lunch and Jack was growing wild and crazy I had an epiphany ( it's like a hard candy....!) and realised that we hadn't been outside for a walk in a long time. We usually walk every day, but over the holiday season all our semblance of routines has dispersed on the winds and we have fallen into a very slap happy approach to daily life!! We bundled ourselves up and went through the entire routine in order to get out the house...Everybody peed?? Everybody got socks? Shoes? Gloves? Scarves? Coats? Are the tree lights off? Are the house lights off?? Is the dryer going? Is the door locked? Do we have keys? Phone? Dog lead? Is the stroller nearby? Are the tires good? .... etc etc..... and we finally all went out for a lovely walk in the fresh winter air. It really is a Good Thing (TM) to get out when the going gets tough!!! We returned home happy and rosy cheeked and the kids were far too tired to get into too much trouble before Daddy came home!!! ;D **SCORE**!!!!

AP Moment of the day ~ What if I'm just not a good parent?

I came down from putting the kids to bed tonight, looked my husband in the eyes and said

"Sometimes I just want to reach in and rip out my uterus to be sure I don't ever have any more kids....."

**..blink....blink..blink......**

You should have seen his face. His eyes got reeeeal wide and he laughed sort of nervously!

"Oh.....!" he said. ".......Right!!"

I know it's not just me, and if it is then I am officially a lousy mother, but there are days and if not full days, then certainly moments within days that FEEL like days where I just wonder what in HELL I was doing having children. The WORK involved in successfully raising a child is absolutely tremendous. It's physically and emotionally exhausting and I don't know why the heck I chose to do it and why on God's Green Earth I'd ever want to do it again!!!! I'm sure there are some who would say how rewarding it is and how fulfilling... yeah, maybe in another 20 years I'd look back and say how super it all was, you know, as the fog descends on my brain and I begin to forget the screaming, the yelling, the fighting, the WHINING, my god man the whining.... WHY do they WHINE?!?!? Every day, every single day there is whining. I can't WAIT for that to be over. All I ever wanted was for my kids to be happy. I want them to be happy more than anything else. I don't care if they are fat, I don't care if they are stupid. I just want them happy. What do I get??? Kids who seem to be miserable!!!! I ask them to do something, I'm some sort of tyrant. I don't ask them to do anything, I'm a slack parent who will raise slobs. I don't have time to read all the books telling me how to be a wonderful parent, I'm too busy winging it; flying by the seat of my pants, barely hanging on. Tonight I literally had a moment where I thought "WAIT!!! This is covered in one of the books I read..... what did it SAY??!? What page was it on?!?!??! " I need it downloaded into my brain where I can scan it using key phrases as soon as they come up........

But then, I take them to bed. Sure, I have to wrestle with the smallest one to get him into his fuzzy pj's, but I get them to bed. I find when I get to their room that they have tidied it, cleared up all the clothes that needed putting away and they have made their bed..... We decide to stick glow stars on the bottom of the top bunk so that they will glow over the children's heads. We spend a few minutes hanging them up together then Jackster goes and turns out the lights and the kids go "Campin' " under the stars. Tonight I am not allowed to sing Golden Slumbers but must sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and our three voices join together in song. It's cute. It really is.

Sitting here an hour or so later and my mood is mellowed more, helped along by a little Kahlua and Coffee, but mellowed none the less...! My mind is softening, the fog descending nightly for me, allowing me to wake again refreshed with the hope that today may be a good one, perhaps there will be no whining today.....!!

On my desk I have a picture of my little man. He is a huge pile of trouble and can make me CRAZY. He totally makes me nuts with his behaviour and yet..... he will hug me and ask me to pick him up and read his cookbooks to him. He is always saying "I Hewlpin'" and "I big a' stwrong...!!" and he's just so darn kind and sweet. If he is getting himself a drink he ALWAYS gets one for someone else too....whether they wanted one or not!!! He is always trying to help and is such a snuggle bug.......

From my seat I can see a picture of my little girl. She looks SO much like me in that shot. I can see myself in her smile, in her eyes, her hair is like mine, her personality so like me. I realised the other day that she is EIGHT. I keep thinking she is six. I really do. Time is shooting by and much as I moan and gripe and complain and say I can't WAIT for them to grow up........ I'm going to be looking over my shoulder at the past much faster than I will want and I will regret.

I will regret.

AP Moment of the day~Realizing how much your kids love each other

even when they are usually at each other's throats!!

It can be such a shock sometimes, when you are suddenly made aware how much your kids really do love each other. They do. THEY DO!!! You are looking askew at me. You have your doubts, I can tell, but honestly and yes, surprisingly, your kids love each other. Mine get on alright a lot of the time, but it's only a matter of time before they start fighting. One will take something of the other's. One will steal the other's book and throw it into the garbage can...... (ew)....... One will pull the other's clothes until the stretch out of all proportion. They wrestle and bicker, yell and scream, tear around and around the house screaming at each other until I think I might just go INSANE........ and then this.......

This evening we were again eating dinner too late... *( I know, tsk, don't I ever learn, even my OWN lessons?!?!?) * and the kids had had a busy day. Hubby was talking to Jessie and suggesting that we could look into sending her to school in the spring once in a while, so she could join in the music lessons and maybe sports. Now, one thing I know and she hasn't yet figured out, is Daddy talks the talk, but, erm, not so much with the walk the walk!!! An idea pops into his head and he verbalises it. We discuss it and it usually dies a death all of it's own. I have long since stopped worrying about things he talks about!! Jessie is still learning this so she took him very seriously and I could tell she was growing very concerned about what she was hearing. She pretty much thought he was going to send her to school. Full time. For EVER. Poor kid!! Anyway, as I said, she was very tired and gets pretty emotional when sleepy, so I was not any where NEAR as surprised as her Daddy was when she burst into tears at the table!!!! Her little brother was at the time being a total pest by driving his car over her table mat and when she began to cry he startled and instantly put his arm out to comfort her. He pulled her close to him and laid his head on her shoulder, patting her gently on the back. He started to act like he might cry himself; his lip came out and he started to sniffle..... we encouraged Jessie to let him know she was ok, but they both cuddled and hugged and Jack would kiss her on the cheek and look into her eyes to make sure she was really alright. It was so damn precious!!!! :D Being the type of people that we are, we had a camera handy and snapped a couple of pics of them!! It will come in handy to remind them how much they really care next time they are fighting it out to the death on the living room floor!! ;D

AP Moment of the day~And what a day it was!

Do you drive the neighborhoods and check out all the Christmas Lights every year like we do? The most beautiful old neighborhood in town is all decked out with lights and the streets are lit with luminaries... it's just fantastic. The houses are old old and large large.... Peeking in the windows as we slowly drive by we see well dressed families, smiling happily at one another. Smiling for the camera and tucking into Christmassy treats. It's easy to get suckered in to believing that everyone else's Christmases are perfect. No one whines, everyone eats all their dinner and there are no tears, no tantrums, no sadness......However, I'm sure you would find, if you could be the angel on top of the Christmas Tree that no home, especially one with small children in it, is a home of peace and tranquillity, especially, did you hear that?...ESPECIALLY on Christmas Day. To me it seems wrong to be sad on Christmas day, almost a crime against nature. It's Christmas DAY!! HOW can you be whining?!?! HOW can you be picking a fight with your siblings today of all days?!?!?! Why is it that family members can STILL find something to complain about on this Day of Days?!? Crazy..... but common. And the hardest part is, for me anyway, I am so stressed out about their being stress at Christmas time that this leads to stress in and of it's self!! I don't think the children should be whiny today, so I am stressed that their whining will bother everyone else... so I get snappy with them... so they whine more.....!!!!!!! AAACCCKKKK!! :D This evening, at dinner time, I realised two things. One, we had left Christmas Dinner too late. Crazy CRAZY to try and eat at 6pm after all the hoopla of Christmas!! Of COURSE Jackster was worn out!!! Doh!!!!! and Two, it really doesn't matter if all he eats is Turkey and no veggies.... heck, he's all but stuffed on fudge and cookies anyway...!!! LOL!! :D Tonight at the table he looked worn out. I asked him if he needed a nap and he said " I nap a'yap..." ... He hurried off and returned with a couch cushion and a blanket, climbed up on my "yap", lay down his "Pee'ow" and proceeded to nap as I finished my dinner!!!

I finally got it. Sure, this may not be "perfect" ... Martha doesn't live here and that's for sure, but it's all I've got and it's all mine. The year will come when the kids don't pick fights anymore, everyone eats all their vegetables.... and then they leave and go home to their own lives. Whilst I do often look forward to that day, I know I must also live and breathe in this one. This is their childhood, this is their lives, and for now I'm happy to be a part of it!

AP Moment of the day~ Add a little Magic when you can...

Today I realised again that I have been too busy to spend decent time with the children just when I should be spending decent time with them. I thought adding a little Christmas Magic would be appropriate. ~ I draped beautiful colored icicle lights around their bunks and added a CD player playing Music Box Christmas... absolutely beautiful Christmas music... just like fairies were playing it....!! The children were completely enchanted and we lay together under the glow, reading a story ( The Night BEFORE The Night Before Christmas!) and listening to the pretty music as they went to sleep. I crept back up and took a quick pic..!! Isn't it adorable to see.?!?





As we get closer to the Big Day don't forget it's really easy to spread a little Christmas Magic where you can!