I came down from putting the kids to bed tonight, looked my husband in the eyes and said
"Sometimes I just want to reach in and rip out my uterus to be sure I don't ever have any more kids....."
You should have seen his face. His eyes got reeeeal wide and he laughed sort of nervously!
"Oh.....!" he said. ".......Right!!"
I know it's not just me, and if it is then I am officially a lousy mother, but there are days and if not full days, then certainly moments within days that FEEL like days where I just wonder what in HELL I was doing having children. The WORK involved in successfully raising a child is absolutely tremendous. It's physically and emotionally exhausting and I don't know why the heck I chose to do it and why on God's Green Earth I'd ever want to do it again!!!! I'm sure there are some who would say how rewarding it is and how fulfilling... yeah, maybe in another 20 years I'd look back and say how super it all was, you know, as the fog descends on my brain and I begin to forget the screaming, the yelling, the fighting, the WHINING, my god man the whining.... WHY do they WHINE?!?!? Every day, every single day there is whining. I can't WAIT for that to be over. All I ever wanted was for my kids to be happy. I want them to be happy more than anything else. I don't care if they are fat, I don't care if they are stupid. I just want them happy. What do I get??? Kids who seem to be miserable!!!! I ask them to do something, I'm some sort of tyrant. I don't ask them to do anything, I'm a slack parent who will raise slobs. I don't have time to read all the books telling me how to be a wonderful parent, I'm too busy winging it; flying by the seat of my pants, barely hanging on. Tonight I literally had a moment where I thought "WAIT!!! This is covered in one of the books I read..... what did it SAY??!? What page was it on?!?!??! " I need it downloaded into my brain where I can scan it using key phrases as soon as they come up........
But then, I take them to bed. Sure, I have to wrestle with the smallest one to get him into his fuzzy pj's, but I get them to bed. I find when I get to their room that they have tidied it, cleared up all the clothes that needed putting away and they have made their bed..... We decide to stick glow stars on the bottom of the top bunk so that they will glow over the children's heads. We spend a few minutes hanging them up together then Jackster goes and turns out the lights and the kids go "Campin' " under the stars. Tonight I am not allowed to sing Golden Slumbers but must sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and our three voices join together in song. It's cute. It really is.
Sitting here an hour or so later and my mood is mellowed more, helped along by a little Kahlua and Coffee, but mellowed none the less...! My mind is softening, the fog descending nightly for me, allowing me to wake again refreshed with the hope that today may be a good one, perhaps there will be no whining today.....!!
On my desk I have a picture of my little man. He is a huge pile of trouble and can make me CRAZY. He totally makes me nuts with his behaviour and yet..... he will hug me and ask me to pick him up and read his cookbooks to him. He is always saying "I Hewlpin'" and "I big a' stwrong...!!" and he's just so darn kind and sweet. If he is getting himself a drink he ALWAYS gets one for someone else too....whether they wanted one or not!!! He is always trying to help and is such a snuggle bug.......
From my seat I can see a picture of my little girl. She looks SO much like me in that shot. I can see myself in her smile, in her eyes, her hair is like mine, her personality so like me. I realised the other day that she is EIGHT. I keep thinking she is six. I really do. Time is shooting by and much as I moan and gripe and complain and say I can't WAIT for them to grow up........ I'm going to be looking over my shoulder at the past much faster than I will want and I will regret.
I will regret.